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| I'm not the person everyone thinks me to be, and though, try as I
might, I can not seem to vanquish this unfaltering fear of becoming
something I am not. I know that this is an illogical fear, perhaps even
an imaginary one, dreamt up only in the complex caverns on my very own
mind, yet more and more, with each falling sun and reborn moon, I find
myself staring deeper and deeper into my own soul, searching
frantically, seeking, struggling, yearning... for answers. "Why am I
here?" Inside I find nothing. only a shell of my former self, an empty
memory of a laughing child, the carefree child who wanted to stay out
and play 'till sunset, dancing in the twilight, basking in the radiant
glow of celestial objects far too stellar to comprehend yet
magnificently simple. "Maybe I am the one who is wrong..." Yes, this
question, above all others, haunts me the most. Like a splinter in my
mind, digging deeper and deeper with every passing moment, drawing only
perplexities, not pain nor even emotion. Just the unexplained. Yet, if
I was the one who was, is, wrong, then everything, all of this pain,
pleasure, this very reality, is merely a tapestry of deceit. An
intricate design woven before my very own eyes, altering everything I
know, knew, and ever shall know, so drastically that the very psyche
can not begin to comprehend the vast changes, no, perceptions, that
would have become reality. Since, after all, reality is nothing more
than one human's perception of life, than perhaps it goes without
saying that if I was, no, am, wrong about my past, than this reality I
face now could simply never have existed. "Am I strong enough?" No.
This question, a plague amongst myself, has at least the simplicity
enough to be answered. I am not strong enough to face what must be
done, this I know. To give it all up, all my friends, family, dreams,
my very perception of this world, this world itself... this is an
impossibility. So I lie to myself, almost religiously, telling myself
that I will make it, that I am strong, stronger than they think,
stronger than I think; however, funny thing about the unconscious mind,
it knows the truth long before you can muster a lie. I fear it, along
with so much else, and yet it must be faced. Change, they say, is for
the better. And yet, standing here now, all I can find is pain
resonating from my heart when I must face change. Once again I lie to
myself, though. Saying I enjoy the changes in life, and while some part
of this complex neurological distortion is true, for the most part I
fear the change more than I enjoy it. It is an impossibility though, as
the sun must set, so must it rise: as one thing changes, so must the
rest to adapt to said changes. Which lies the problem of all problems:
adaptation. I blame her though. I can't do so, but I do anyway. At this
point it is all I can do to face change. Blame her... she did this to
me, that wretched charlatan. From her insanity comes my own, though I
can face the truth and see mine, like a cloud of darkness forming ont
he horizon of my mentality, I can face my demons, she ran from hers,
finding refuge in an endless collection of pills and drugs. I will
fight my fight. "What else is there?" Some believe in their own deluded
form of "heaven," a utopia in which all things wrong, all pain, sorrow,
arrogance, apathy, rage, jealousy, bewilderment, is erased from the
heart and all is pure. Simpletons. Yet, more and more I find myself
longing for such reassurance. These people find so much glory, such
power and devotion in finding this ultimate paradise that they
themselves become almost at perfect nirvana with the world, accepting
the fact that when they reach the end of their mortal spiral they will
enter unlimited bliss. And yet, in my mind, there is a war waging. In
the Past, I was taught these morals, blinded by the truth, manipulated
into crusading against my own personal thoughts, shunning my own
aspirations. And now, with my mind, heart, and soul freed from the
cubical confinments of a bitter and shallow reality, I dare not defy my
own will. Being free, I find myself in more bondage than ever before.
Sure, my mind is my own now, as it should be, but at what cost? The
feeling of compete nirvana has been washed away, replaced with only an
acidic feeling of emptiness, slowly corroding away at my soul. Yet I
find peace in the fact that I am not alone. Many have joined me in my
struggle to find peace, do they all feel such pain? I do believe in an
afterlife, however, in my mind, there are no cloud-kingdoms, no lakes
of fire, no smoldering brimstone, no eternal love: there is merely an
echo of the world we live in now. A doppleganger... a pseudo-reality.
And so I allign my soul with my mind, medetation, they call it.
Whatever it is, it frees me from the confines of life, lets me move
about as though I am that youthful child dancing in the streets as the
sun, tired, dips into the horizon, cascading into a sea of peace and
the moon, awake, rises to watch over us. And so I find myself forever
seeking answers... I am a wanderer, wonderer, forever searching the
silver seas of solitude for answers. Perhaps this is my fate. I seek
that which can not be found, and yet I find it. I find it all. Inside
of us, everyone of us, there is a tale, a story, of nobility, power,
pride, anguish, sorrow, life, and death. Inside of us all is a great
mystery...
| | |
| Yeah, I'm back, and once again, I have absolutely no news. Wait,
scratch that, I have some news, but no one cares. However, be-it as it
may, I am gonna say it anyways.
Yeah, I lied, nothing good has happened. Gave Marie some valentines
stuff today, and then i fought with myself a little bit more, and then
gave up on myself.
The weak only get weaker.
-Sheep
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- I learned just exactly what it feels like to be blown up... Marie
caught it worse than me though. R.I.P. Boy's Dressing Room Toilet, you
served us well.
- I made Squire cry the other day, I have never been more proud in
my entire life. You KNOW you're borderline psychopathic when you make
your lonely English-IV teacher leave the room crying after completely
showing her up. Damn that class is cool now.
- Children's Play is Friday: Guess who got suckered into being
House Manager? Eh, oh well, at least I have something to do this
weekend, unlike last weekend, which brings me to my next point...
- Got lost downtown with Chris last weekend. We went to go tour
University of Houston and couldn't find our way back into Katy.
Actually, scratch that, I found the way, Chris just took the wrong exit
and got us halfway to Galveston before he decided to turn around.
- My toe is broken again.... again.... Calvin ran over my foot with the Lift, there goes my pinky-toe....
- Desmond gauged my in the eye with a sharpened stick while we were
dueling. It was quite cool, dueling in a dark room with strobe lights,
that made for a badass fight. And though it may sound like I lost, I
got him down within a fraction of a second the next round, with one eye
and strobe lights.
- Gonna ask Dani out thursday, just got some things I need to take
care of before I settle back down and take the "Super" out of everyday
living.
- I totally manipulated my way into getting a Nintendo Wii.
Sometimes I think it's a bad thing to manipulate people to get what you
want, but the mind can be a very weak object or a very strong tool, I
just use mine to all its potential, pity others don't.
- I'm done.
-Super "Toilet... toilet.... toilet.... FIRE!!!" Sheep
| | |
| So last night I crashed over at Chris' place, which is basically my
place because I spend so much time there, but that's beside the point.
At about 3 in the morning I finally passed out while watching MSNBC
(gotta get my news) and had the most bizarre dream. And so, ladies and
gentlemen of the E-World, I present: My Dream.
The dream begins with me walking down a large flight of stairs (which
is already strange because fat people HATE stairs...) that spiraled on
and on for hours, until I finally reach the bottom where I find... a
frog. What this frog was doing here is beyond my knowledge... but there
was a frog there. Whatever. I pick up the frog and suddenly begin
running, mumbling to the frog "Don't worry, I got ya'" until I reach a
large door at the end of a hallway. Suddenly the frog looks up at me,
croaks... and the self-destructs. At this point in time I'm like "What
in the name of Lucifer's left nipple just happened?" But before I can
figure it out the large door opens up and out steps Pac-Man. At this
point I simply sighed and punched Pac-Man out of the way and stepped
into the door, where I found a massive cherry pie. Suddenly the door
slammed shut behind me and Pac-Man yelled "You're fucked now!" or
something like that... I don't know, his voice was really high pitched.
Then the pie exploded in a delicious mess, and out flew those damn 5
ghosts from Pac-Man. Ya know, one was named Blinky, I think there was a
Dotty, maybe a Smelly, who the hell knows. At this point I was
stupified as the five ghosts aimlessly wandered around, so I retrieved
my cell phone (which looked a lot like a toaster...) and pushed one
button, and then yelled into it "Dude, I need an exit..." A second
later Chris' voice said "Uh... I need scissors." I don't get it, but if
my subconcious made it, it HAS to be strange. Anyways, moments later a
butler walks in and hands me a beer, which kicked ass. I took one sip
of the beer, then everything went monochrome, and I woke up in a sweaty
haze.
I Hate my subconcious.
-Super "Beware them exploding toads!" Sheep
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| Been sober now for 68 days, and I can honestly say it has been quite an
expirence. I know that 68 days isnt a big deal to many people, but damn
I am proud of myself. I honestly think that I may have actually beaten
an addiction, but then again, time will tell. Anyways, the point of
this post is to inform everyone who reads this (all 3 of you) about
"Super Sheep's Super Thanksgiving Spectacular!©" That's right, it's
time for everyone most dreaded time of the year! Fattening foods,
family, and let's not forget the dressing up! Yup, everyone hates
Thanksgiving, so this year I decided to hold my own Thanksgiving.
Nothing special, just a vegetarian Thanksgiving, with no crappy family
moments, no itchy formal clothes, and no excess gluton! All are invited
(except Josh Flores, who shall suffer a thousand deaths if he shows
up...) More details later, probably will be next Friday (the day after
"Real" Thanksgiving.)
-Super "Sober Turkey?" Sheep
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